A Canadian living and writing in Dublin

Archive for January, 2012

Aside

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Journey to Myself

There are times
When I find myself
Wishing something bad
Would happen
To distract from the monotony
Of my everyday life.

I don’t mean something
Catastrophic,
Just big enough
To shake me,
Wake me up,
Remind me that I’m alive
And living for something.

Like when you’re caught
In a downpour
And the rain
Soaks your hair
And runs down your face,
Flooding your eyes
And clinging to your lashes.
And you stop trying to fight it
And just look up
To soak in the world around you
Because you’ve never felt so alive-

A feeling that permeates your flesh
And seeps down into your bones
Until you can hear the raindrops whisper:
We’re alive.

I’m alive.
But there are times
When I can’t remember why.

Do you ever
Dart out in front of a speeding car
Just to see if
You’ll make it to the other side?
Breath growing rapid
As you watch your life
Flash before your eyes,
Stepping onto the curb,
Relaxing the jaw
You hadn’t realized was clenched
And your heart races
With exhilaration
Because you made it-
You’re alive.

Then there are those days
You can’t bother to look both ways
And a bus flies by,
Missing you by inches
And you realize
In an instant,
It could have all just gone away.
And there are times
When it feels like
It’d be better that way.

And we all have those days
Where we’re tired
And jaded
And shot down
And we can’t be bothered
To take a look around.
Too caught up in our own heads,
Our own failures.

Those days we aren’t alive
But are merely living,
Like we’re lost
On this island
And are too scared to swim to shore.
Not because we’re afraid of drowning,
But out of fear
Of what we’ll find
When we reach the other side:
That we don’t measure up.

Nelson Mandela said
Our greatest fear is
Not that we are inadequate,
But that we are
Powerful beyond measure.
Well, I don’t know about you,
But I find inadequcy pretty scary
When I spend my days
Fighting just to feel good enough.

And I go to places
Looking for answers
Only to leave
With more questions.
And I think I missed the memo
When life’s footnotes
Went out
Because everybody else
Seems to know what I don’t,
Or at least
They’re better at pretending.

I do the right things
For the wrong reasons
But more often
Do the wrong things
For reasons I can’t even understand.

And where does that leave me?
But wandering
From pasture to pasture
In search of the one that’s green,
Feeling like I’m invisible
But afraid of being seen.

And I colour my life
With the chaos of trouble
Just to have something to do.
And tell me,
Where were you
When you figured out life’s purpose?

Because I don’t seem
To be any good
At this game.
And every day feels the same.
I’m tired of
Fighting to grow against the grain,
Unsure of where
I’m heading.

Because I’m awful
With directions
And sometimes I wish
Life came with a GPS
So I could type in happiness
And follow
A series of automated instructions
To my destiny.

But there are times
When I’m grateful
For the chance to
Throw away the map
Because straying from the path
You were told
You should be on
Can be what makes all the difference.

And we need to be free
To make our own mistakes.
Because it’s only
When your’re really, truly
Hopelessly lost
That we can give up control
And stumble upon the things
We never would have
Known to look for
In the first place.

And the struggle
Is designed
To give us
The strength we’ll need
To get where we’re going.

And it’ll be these
Useless days
Spent torn up
With self-doubt and uncertainty
That I’ll look back on
And know I was exactly
Where I was
Supposed to be.